Fear of Writing a Sentence
Even now as I fiddle with my computer’s text program now I know it is simple delay tactic. As if somehow all the preparation to get the writing environment just so will make the writing process an easy experience. In truth I know it won’t. Writing is a talent that is naturally gifted, or learned over time. At one time before my current job I did consider myself at least a writer with moderate talent. I know that I won't turn out the fabled great American novel, but decent scribbles nonetheless. I knew to some extent I’m an ego monster, but in my defense I know what made up that ego. Writing, while I believed I was adequate, was not one of those major abilities, but an integral part to how express myself and my technical abilities.
Past Memories
Let go back to the start. If at one time I was a decent writer where did my skill start to erode? How did years of naturally writing four page papers on whatever school topic was easy. The twenty page papers did make me struggle a bit, but nothing that was beyond my capabilities. In truth I’ve never had to test myself writing a true dissertation so I couldn’t answer with any authority whether it was possible for me. Even now I as write this passage it is a simple delay tactic. As to not admit my current shortcomings, and envy, of those people capable of crafting words into a coherent structure.
Current Situations
I have friends, co-workers, and a wife who I envy for their ability to write. I remember sitting several times with my wife coxing her into an academic career. Reassuring her in the fact that while yes it would be difficult at first, her intelligence, and persistence, would make her successful student. At the same time I tried to reassume myself, but in truth I surrendered to my doubt. I settled into a life where my only reminder of my writing ability was editing my wife’s true hard work. I watched her churn out the four page papers; at one time I know I could write. I had a deep envy for her, and reaffirmed my doubt. Even now I’m watching her reach her latest academic goal, and I can see her well justified soaring confidence. She doesn’t need me to nurture, or comfort her, but I still edit her papers. It is such a deep doubt that it even drives me to make my children write almost daily passages. Stories that they have to present to me, as I play at being some sort of authority. I cloak my doubt behind academic building exercises for my children. In reality I believe the deeper motivation is my fear.
Lets start with where I believe I started to fail my writing ability, and myself. While I don’t believe there is a single event that triggered it, I believe that it started with my current career. In my field the prized skill is a troubleshooting ability. Granted there are still a few who retained their natural writing ability, and are able to troubleshoot with astonishing ability. I envy, and respect, those individuals. I pushed my ability to troubleshoot, and move on the next problem. There would always be another problem to fix. Typically long explanations were not required, and even hindered comprehension by the people I was trying to help. I actively wrote in simplistic terms, and terse statements. Trying to break a issue down to its simplest components. Now that I’ve been at that pattern for over five years I have come to realize that action betrayed my writing ability. I have known this for a while and have gone through various states of disregard to actively re-starting my ability.
Assessments
For the most part I’ve considered my attempts to restart any writing spark a failure. Take for example my various blogs. My personal blog in truth is nothing more that small tweets that are forced to 140 characters or less. Even at times entries were nothing more that assorted pictures or URL links to other well-written articles. My technical blog where I had every reason to present long and concise explanations is reduced to semi-sarcastic wit and loaded with screen shots. Even as my blog suffered log delays in updates as I again focused elsewhere. This was primarily driven by the doubt that would creep into my confidence. I would incessantly compare my blog to other blogs. In truth there are countless blogs that are written in the same terse style like my own. I was mired in a level of mediocrity that did nothing to differentiate me, or my technical writing skills. The golden standard are those few and far between blogs written with precision, skill, and expertise. Diving deep into issues, and not shying away from long text in favor of short passages. While some would argue this type of writing is better suited to books that prospect seems even more daunting. Take for example a book written for SharePoint technical administrators, Professional SharePoint 2010 Administration written by Todd Klindt, Shane Young, and Steve Caravajal. This is book I carry around as my golden tome of essential work knowledge. While reading one chapter in particular I came to sudden realization that one person wrote complete chapters about one subject that I would typically be able only to write my usual paragraph heavily laden with screen shots. I had suddenly become Mozart’s hallow and painful Salieri from the 1984 film Amadeus. I read in wonder at the writing in both breadth and length. It is my goal to write at least part of a book. I know I view this with a certain amount of awe, and wonder to the process. A star struck teenager. Speaking to them about the process it seems writing is viewed a tiresome, and very unglamorous work.
Hopes
So now it begs the question as to why I would write about a fear and my personal failure. Honestly to me this was a cathartic process to express my doubts on the media I deeply fear. I hope this is a release for that fear as I steadily rebuild my writing abilities. Unfortunately, as with all things that belong to the creative side it is not something I can have planned exercises to improve. I can only keep on writing and critiquing my work.
-Javi
